My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Still dying that you shit outside
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
