Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Randomize
