I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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