Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
