I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
