i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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