they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
