so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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