MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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