I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
