somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Wow senior week shows you new things about yourself
Is this the I'm gay speech?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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