Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if only i could text you this smell
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
We left the knife in your bed.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
