I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
