dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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