"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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