enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
