if you like me you must not know who I am
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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