So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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