so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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