that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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