Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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