Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Randomize
