alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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