dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
