Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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