2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
