I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
