Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize