escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
