Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I am one with the molecules
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
