I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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