I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
