just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think im going to throw up on grandma
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
