So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
