have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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