you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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