At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
