capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
