The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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