I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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