I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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