I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize