Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
We named our party play list daddy issues
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
