She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
