There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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