Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
