kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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