Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
