Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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