I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
