mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize