He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
