Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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