dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
this hospital has no fireball
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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